Stanley the Stand-up Goldfish
🐠 STANLEY: THE GILL-TY COMEDIAN 🐠
A Fish Out of Water in the Comedy World
~ The following is based on a true story. Only the facts have been changed. ~
⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️
No actual fish were made to tell jokes during the production of this story. Stanley is a professional comedian and all jokes were performed under the supervision of qualified marine humorists.
CONTENTS
- Origins: The Birth of a Comedian
- The Dental Tank Years
- The Big Break
- Fame and Fortune
- Stanley's Greatest Hits
- The Legacy
🌊 ORIGINS: THE BIRTH OF A COMEDIAN
Stanley was not your average goldfish. Born in a pet store aquarium between a grumpy betta and an existentialist plecostomus, Stanley discovered early that he had a gift for making other fish laugh.
"I remember the first joke I ever told," Stanley would later recall in his bestselling memoir Scales of Justice: A Comedian's Tale. "I swam into the glass and said, 'I should really sea where I'm going!' The guppies lost it."
But Stanley's ambitions were far greater than entertaining his tank mates. He dreamed of the spotlight, of bubbles of laughter erupting from human audiences, of his name in lights (preferably waterproof ones).
His chance came when he was purchased by Dr. Michael "The Molar" Finkelstein for his dental practice waiting room.
"Comedy is like swimming—it's all about the timing and not drowning in silence."
—Stanley the Goldfish, Interview with Fish Fancy Magazine
STANLEY FACT #1: Stanley's original name was "Fish #7" at Pete's Pet Emporium until he renamed himself after Stanley Kubrick, whom he greatly admired despite never having seen a film.
🦷 THE DENTAL TANK YEARS
Monday: The Discovery
Stanley noticed that humans tended to watch him while waiting for their dental appointments. Many looked anxious, their faces twisted in dread. "These people need jokes more than anyone," he thought.
Tuesday: The Experiment
Stanley began experimenting with bubbles. By carefully controlling his swim bladder (a skill he'd practiced since fryhood), he could produce bubbles in specific patterns.
Wednesday: The Breakthrough
After studying a morse code chart that had been accidentally dropped into his tank (and thankfully laminated), Stanley realized he could communicate through bubble sequences.
Thursday: First Contact
Stanley sent his first joke to Debbie, the receptionist who had previously worked as a naval communications specialist: .... .- / -- -.-- / -. .- -- . / .. ... / ... - .- -. .-.. . -.-- / .- -. -.. / - .... .. ... / .-- .- - . .-. / .. ... / ..-. .. -. -. -.--
Friday: The Response
Debbie nearly spilled her coffee. A goldfish had just told her: "Hi my name is Stanley and this water is FINNY!" She approached the tank cautiously and tapped a response on the glass.
📜 Click to read Stanley's Morse Code Joke Log
| Date | Joke (Morse) | Translation | Reaction |
|---|---|---|---|
| May 5 | ... --- / -- .- -. -.-- / -.-. .- ...- .. - .. . ... / .. -. / - .... .. ... / --- ..-. ..-. .. -.-. . | "So many cavities in this office!" | Debbie snorted water through her nose |
| May 6 | - .... . / .-.. .- ... - / --. ..- -.-- / - --- .-.. -.. / - .... . / -.. . -. - .. ... - / - --- / .--. ..- .-.. .-.. / - .... . / --- - .... . .-. / --- -. . | "The last guy told the dentist to pull the other one!" | Three patients requested transfers |
| May 7 | .. .----. -- / -. --- - / ..-. .-.. ..- ... .... . -.. --..-- / - .... .- - .----. ... / .--- ..- ... - / -- -.-- / -.-. --- .-.. --- .-. | "I'm not flushed, that's just my color." | Dr. Finkelstein checked Stanley's water quality |
| May 8 | .. / -- .- -.-- / -. --- - / .... .- ...- . / - . . - .... / -... ..- - / .. / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .- .--. .--. .-. . -.-. .. .- - . / .- / --. --- --- -.. / ..-. .-.. --- ... ... | "I may not have teeth but I still appreciate a good floss!" | Dental hygienist threatened to quit |
💥 THE BIG BREAK
Scene: Dr. Finkelstein's Dental Office, Tuesday, 2:34 PM
CHARACTERS PRESENT:
|
DR. FINKELSTEIN: Mrs. Humphrey, I assure you, this won't hurt a bit. MRS. HUMPHREY: (gripping chair arms) That's what you said last time, and I couldn't feel my face for three days! DR. FINKELSTEIN: (sighing) That's actually how the anesthetic is supposed to work... MRS. HUMPHREY: (pointing at Stanley's tank) Your fish is making bubbles! Is that normal? Is there something wrong with the water? Is there something wrong with ME? [Everyone turns to look at Stanley, who is creating an elaborate sequence of bubbles] DEBBIE: (squinting at tank) Wait a minute... That's Morse code! He's saying—oh my goodness! DR. FINKELSTEIN: What? What's he saying? DEBBIE: "Why did the dental patient bring a thesaurus to his appointment? He was afraid of filling, cavity, excavation, burrowing..." [Brief silence, then Mrs. Humphrey bursts into laughter so hard that her dentures pop out and land in Dr. Finkelstein's pocket protector] MRS. HUMPHREY: That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! A comedian fish! DR. FINKELSTEIN: (examining dentures in his pocket) Well, I guess we found those. DEBBIE: (pulling out phone) This is going on TikTok right now! |
And thus, with one perfectly timed joke at the exact moment of peak dental anxiety, Stanley broke the filter system and broke into stardom. Debbie's TikTok video, hastily captioned "OMG MY BOSS'S FISH TELLS JOKES IN BUBBLES 🐠😂 #ComedyFish #MorseCode #DentalHumor," accumulated 17 million views overnight.
What Stanley Said:
"I wasn't trying to go viral. I was just a fish with a dream and access to Morse code. The internet did the rest."
What Critics Said:
"Stanley represents a paradigm shift in aquatic entertainment. Never before has a goldfish so perfectly captured the existential dread of a dental waiting room." —The New Yorker
🌟 FAME AND FORTUNE
Stanley's rise to fame was meteoric, or as he would put it, "faster than a flushed goldfish cracker." Within days, he had:
17M+
TikTok Followers
$2.5M
Sponsorship Deal with
Fancy Fins™ Fish Food
8
Late Night
Talk Show Appearances
1
Custom-Built
25-Gallon Comedy Tank
Stanley's Rider Requirements for Live Shows:
- Water temperature exactly 74°F (23.3°C)
- No flash photography (causes "joke amnesia")
- Minimum of 3 decorative plants (preferably plastic)
- One "castle" with at least two windows
- Ambient music limited to soft jazz or underwater whale sounds
- No seafood to be served within 100 yards of performance venue
- Emergency veterinarian on standby
- No cats allowed in audience (Stanley had "trust issues")
- Pre-show offering of premium brine shrimp
- Tank water must be at least 25% sourced from his home dental office
🌿 THE ALGAE CLAUSE 🌿
Perhaps the most famous (or infamous) of Stanley's requirements was his insistence on performing only in tanks with "significant algae growth." His contract specifically required:
"Performance tank must have no less than 30% surface coverage of natural green algae. No artificial substitutes permitted. Audience should understand that comedy, like algae, requires proper culture to flourish."
When asked about this unusual demand, Stanley's bubble response translated to: "Algae is the velvet curtain of the aquatic stage. Would you expect Jerry Seinfeld to perform in front of a blank wall? I think not."
🎭 STANLEY'S GREATEST HITS
The Official Stanley Joke Collection
On Aquatic Life
"I told my friend I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. He said, 'But you don't have legs.' I said, 'Why do you think I'm still swimming in circles?'"
On Tank Maintenance
"My owner cleans my tank every week. I keep telling him, 'That's not algae, that's my vision board!'"
On Dating
"My last girlfriend was a betta fish. Talk about a toxic relationship! She kept giving me that look like she wanted to kill me. Turns out, she actually did."
On Memory
"People say goldfish only have a three-second memory. That's ridiculous! I've been remembering to tell that joke for... wait, what were we talking about?"
On Dentistry
"A patient asked the dentist, 'Do you take out wisdom teeth?' And the dentist said, 'I try not to, they're the only teeth that don't talk back.'"
On Celebrity
"Now that I'm famous, people keep asking for my autograph. I'm like, 'I live in water. Have you ever tried to sign something underwater?' It's not writer's block, it's writer's submerged!"
THE CATCHPHRASE THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING
🔊 Click to hear Stanley's catchphrase (Celebrity Impressions)
| Celebrity | Interpretation of "GILL-TY AS CHARGED!" |
|---|---|
| Morgan Freeman | Deep, resonant, with philosophical gravitas |
| Julia Child | High-pitched enthusiasm: "GILL-ty as CHARRRGED!" |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | "GILL-TY AHS CHAHHHGED! GET TO DA FISHBOWL!" |
| Christopher Walken | "I'm... GILL-ty... as... CHARGED! Wow." |
| Snoop Dogg | "Gill-T as chaaarged, fo' shizzle my fishizzle" |
Note: Stanley couldn't actually imitate these voices himself. These interpretations were performed by skilled voice actors for his Netflix special "Something's Fishy: Stanley Live from the Tank" (2022).
🏆 THE LEGACY
As of today, Stanley continues to perform to sold-out aquariums worldwide. His autobiography Just Keep Swimming: A Comedian's Journey from Tank to Tank spent 47 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list.
Cultural Impact
- ✅ First fish to host Saturday Night Live
- ✅ Featured on cover of Time Magazine as "Entertainer of the Year"
- ✅ Inspired the hit Broadway musical "Something Fishy"
- ✅ His own line of comedy-themed fish food
- ✅ Honorary degree from "Fishmouth College" (formerly Dartmouth)
Charitable Work
Stanley established the Bubbles of Joy Foundation, which has raised over $12 million for:
- Ocean conservation efforts
- Dental care for underserved communities
- Comedy workshops for introverted fish
- Research into fish-human communication
Stanley Says...
"They say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're a fish with ich—then you probably need actual medicine. But laughter is a close second!"
THE END?
(Stanley insists there's no such thing as "The End" in comedy—just a temporary pause while he thinks of his next joke)
© 2023 Stanley Entertainment, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
No fish were harmed in the making of this story. Humans, on the other hand, reported severe side pain from excessive laughter.